What I will remember most

It is hard to believe that we have all survived an entire year without Paige.  I will be the first to admit that I didn't think I would last a day without her, let alone a year.  But here we are, one year older, and still finding ways to honor Paige's memory and make her proud of us.  This loss has affected so many so deeply because of the person that Paige was and is.  She truly was one of those special people that could instantly touch your heart and make you a better person. And I know we can all say that we are better people today because we have had Paige in our lives in one form or another.  Over the past year I have run the gambit of emotions.  I have tried to make sense of what happened and what this loss means to my life and the life of my daughter.  Some answers have come, most have not, but through it all the one feeling that has endured is the feeling of gratitude.  I am so grateful to have know and loved Paige.  I am so grateful to have been known and loved by Paige.  I am so grateful that I am the person I am today because of Paige.  I am so grateful that Paige is the mother of my daughter. I am so grateful that Paige has helped me find my way through this year. I am so grateful that one day, in the not to distant future, I will see Paige again.  

I want to share two things about Paige that made her so wonderful in the hopes that she can continue to inspire all of us to be better.

1. For several years Paige made me lunches to take to work.  She volunteered to do this for me mostly because I was too lazy to do it for myself but also because it was a little bit easier on our budget when I didn't eat out every day. Each night, before she would go to bed, she would put together a lunch.  And each day I would open up my lunch to find not only food, but love.  With every lunch Paige put a small hand written note meant specifically for me.  Usually they tied into something that was happening in our lives or they simply said "I love you".  Whatever it said it was always the right thing, and I looked forward to the notes more than the food.  Thankfully I kept every single one of them.  They are now some of my most prized possessions and I thought I would share a few of them with you.

2. Some of you know about item number two but for those of you who don't it certainly won't surprise you.  In 2009 Paige decided that she was going to write in her "journal" every single day.  She told me that this was her goal and she bought a little book that she kept on her nightstand.  She diligently wrote in this journal every day.  I would see her do it and sometimes I would notice that the entry wasn't that long.  I asked her a few times about it and she just said that she didn't have much to write that day but wanted to make sure that she got something down.  At the end of they year, on New Year's Day 2010, Paige presented me with the journal.  It wasn't a daily log about what she did, it was a daily log of her love for me. There in the page's of that book were 365 reasons why she loved me, each unique and different, each heartfelt and sincere.  When she gave it to me I started to cry because I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have a wife that cared for me as much as she did.  This book is, without question, the most important possession that I have.  I have read it every day this year to help remind me to be grateful.

The greatest gift that Paige gave to all of us was her unyielding and unconditional love.  I hope that on this anniversary of her life we can each give that gift to those that mean the most to us...it is what Paige would have wanted.

Thank you all for all your support over this past year...I love you, Paige love's you, and Esme love's you.

James