Paige's strength

It's almost midnight here in Italy, my little family has gone to sleep and I am here like every night, thinking of Paige before I go to sleep. Every day I think of her countless times and every night I sit here at my pc with only her in my mind,trying to find ways to feel her closer to me, hoping a new post, a new photo somewhere in the net will give me some comfort. This morning when I woke up I saw Maddy's painting and I started crying...maybe a painting can really say much more than words could ever do... Seeing Paige with James and Esme together again touched me the most emotionally, but what really hit me, was seeing Paige's arm, with her yellow bracelet, pulling the sun up. I used to call her "My sunshine" for her ability to always smile at everything and being positive no matter what. Shortly after she left us, I bought a necklace with a citrine stone, also known as the "sun stone" because I wanted it to remind me what Paige represented the most for me and to remind me to count my blessing everyday, just like Paige would do.

My husband always makes fun of me for this,because no email account wouldn't be big enough for me...but when I'm really fond of someone, I always cherish what they write to me, all their meaningful emails, because maybe they taught me something, they made me laugh or cry, or they made me think about something important or simply because I love the person that wrote those words to me. Needless to say, even if I'm not a very big fan of technology, I saved each and every one of Paige's emails.

I'm going to share one of them with you...hoping that Paige doesn't mind...

She replied to one of my email full of complaints about silly things that in my head were so important, so difficult...I still had no idea about her battle against cancer...she had just found out...and with this email she taught me a lesson that today more than ever I need to repeat to myself.

Stefania!

Wow.  It was so good to hear from you.  I am so happy that you are back in Italy.  There is no place like it...Anywhere!  You are such a sweetheart.  I totally know the feeling of hoping and waiting for kids to come(...)  We still don't have children, but we see that as a blessing now (...)   I was diagnosed with breast cancer in October, and I have been undergoing treatments of some kind or another since then.  Luckily I feel really good, and I have great doctors and great support from friends and family....Everything is great.

The other good thing about cancer is that I can't get pregnant while I am doing treatments so we are going to come to Italy this summer for sure.  (kind of like a prize for dealing with all of this..)  We are thinking around the end of june beginning of July!  Yippee!  

We are still loving Seattle, and we are buying a house.  It will be done in March!  It is a pretty small house with a tiny little yard, but we are so excited.  We can hardly wait.  I will start Chemotherapy in 2 weeks, so I will be bald by the time we move in.  Crazy, but I am just so happy that I can get better and that we are getting a house.  We are blessed in so many ways beyond that, it is increadible. 

I hope you are happy in Piacenza.  What are you doing while Tom goes to school there??  I am sure your family is so happy to have you home.  Give them all of my love.

(...)Also, I love teaching.  I am teaching 9th grade science at a junior High and I absolutely love it.  The kids are great, and I work with awesome teachers.  It is a great job for me..

Well, that is the short story of what is going on.  I sure love you.  Give my verry verry best to Tom too!

Love

Paige

I remember that the first time I read it, her enthusiasm and joy of living ended up overshadowing the bad news at the point that I started wondering if I had really read what I thought I had... I read it at least 3more times before realizing that Paige was indeed telling me that she had started her battle against cancer. Never before I had seen the words "great" "blessing" "Yippee!" together with the word cancer...Never!
Oh but Paige was, and is, different from anybody I've ever met and this email is a slap in the face that I definitely need everyday to become a better person.
Her Faith and her strength were so powerful that not only she could bring a positive light on everything she had to face, but she was also terribly contagious...and I am so grateful for that.

This email makes me sad and very angry sometimes because I miss her and love her more than I can say, but then I read it again and think of how selfish it is of me to cry. I need to read her words and humble myself.
This is not about me. She is fine and she is happy because she couldn't be otherwise with her baggage of Faith and positivism.
Few nights ago I dreamed of her again...and when her eyes met mine she burst into laughter...her cute laughter...and in my dream I felt relieved and I started laughing with her...It is only a dream, but I know she is smiling.

When I first saw Maddy's painting I thought: "Wow, that is a big sun for Paige to pull up"...and now I'm thinking that if there is one person on the Other Side that could do it, that would definitely be Paige.
I don't want to cry anymore because she wouldn't. She is still the most courageous person I know and I owe it to our friendship to be strong during this time that will be apart.

I don't know if I was able to describe my confused feelings with these emotionally challenged words...but I'm so grateful there is someone to share them with through this blog.

No more tears...well...at least I'll try ; )

Stefania

Thank you Maddy